I felt a sudden burst of emotions when I was browsing through Instagram. Someone I was following posted about her current living arrangement with her boyfriend. 

I was scared. Or anxious. Or felt betrayed by my own I-want-to-have-my-own-family feeling.

Because, imagine, if you finally commit to a relationship and your partner decides to live somewhere or if an opportunity arises and he has the option to work abroad and bring you along, you would choose to go with him. I think it's not even a choice if it means a better, grandeur life. Because who opts to live in this kind of government anyway?

And then I thought to myself, can I actually do that? Well, yes, commit myself to someone—that I think I can consider. But, also, create such decisions that would be patterned to someone else's life. Would I be able to do those?

The Instagram post I was viewing did not even talk about future plans. But of course, here I am, overthinking trivial things.

I wrote this on the 9th of September 2020. I don't remember why it was never posted.

Earlier, we had an Art Show and Tell with my fellow podsibs.

I was hesitant to share my works. I know these people and they accept me for who I am but my heart was beating so fast.

Impostor syndrome, I thought to myself. Despite knowing what I am capable of, there's still that panic. But I swallowed the fear and took my chance. I won't lose anything anyway.

Below is one of the two pieces I recited. I wrote this in 2012 when I was in college. It was for our Non-Fiction Writing Filipino class. It goes something like this. Ehe.

I'm writing this after being confused for at least 30 minutes and not knowing where to point the DNS server but figuring out anyway because that's me−I don't easily step back if I can't solve my problems, especially if it's tech related. It will take an hour for it to reflect so I figured, why not draft a post? If you're reading this, you probably know I've successfully finished what needs to be done.

That was quite long for an introduction. Am I sure I can still do this?

Anyway, wow, I'm writing again. It came as a shock to me as well. I've been putting this off for a while now because I've long given up on blogging. But here I am, typing as if I know where this post will lead.

But how are you? (Uy, may audience ka na agad ghorl?)

I've been busy contemplating the unpredictability of life.

I resigned last May (yep, in the middle of this pandemic) to focus on my pastry business. It took a while before I mustered enough courage to actually tell myself that my previous job was not working for me anymore. There were a whole lot of different factors but that's for a different day.

The first three rolls of film with my Holga 120N were a series of failures. I had a problem with the bulb switch. It got me so confused!! When I googled the settings, I found out that I should’ve used B for night time and N for daylight. That was why my indoor photos were dark and the outdoor ones were overexposed.

But nevertheless I think the photos below can pass as Lomography photos. I got into double exposures and somehow managed to create “artsy” enough images. LOL.

Photos were taken in 2012

P.S.

Posting this so I have pictures under the Photography > Film tab. I’m still looking for the photos I took with my Nikon N65 (for our Photojournalism class) which were put in a CD when we had them developed. Most times I think that having this lightweight Macbook Air is better without the CD-Rom but sometimes I think otherwise.